Here are some Real Video Clips from the show:

Helping Hands- Watch Tom fall 50 times on crutches and watch the suckers that continue to try to help.
Celebrity Watching- Tom tells everyday people on the street that they are celebrities.
Intercom Trickster- Tom uses the paging system at a department store, and gets in to trouble. Eventually, a manager tries to escort Tom back to his office so the police can be called. Luckily, Tom manages to escape from his clutches.

Tom(running around with thrown out dolls): Save me daddy! 
Don't throw me away!

Tom: One man's garbage is another man's treasure
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Tom: Phil, why don't you show us your balls?

Can we say Guards of the Ass-Fort on TV?

Yeah? how about [bleep]!

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[Tom sings a tribute to Lindsay]


Tom (singing to Glenn's ass): Children they make me smile, 
Children, they make me happy!

Tom: By Cupid's arrow, have I been stung? (Gross noises) 
I hope you like my 6 foot tongue!
Lindsay: It's nice.
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[dressed in scubagear in a fountain]

Security guard: What is your name?
Tom: I'm Scubahood!...

I steal from the poor and give to the rich...... 

[muttering] The poor get poorer, and the rich get richer!
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[Tom and his grandma finding new uses for dildos]

Tom: Hmm... derek left his briefcase behind. I wonder what's in it?
Oh! What are those? are they egg beaters?

Grandma: they sure are making alot of noise! Maybe they're earrings. 
They're big earrings. I think I probably look stupid!

Tom: What was that in the briefcase, Derek?
Derek: Presents for my family...Stocking Stuffers.
Tom: Never show your face around here again, Derek Harvie!!
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[From shtick with Glen]

A little game of pickle-roulette! 

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The toilet symbolizes me being a sickly man..... 

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[Tom finds a dead pigeon on the ground]


Hey everybody! We got a dead pigeon here!!!!

Red Coat, Red Coat! Look, Laurie's got a dead pigeon!!

I was just returning Laurie's dead pigeon, she left it outside.

No! No! No! I don't want you to want it, I want someone who doesn't want it!
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"I'm a String Bean!"
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Tom: Glen is going to be hunted for his pelt today.

[whips out paintball gun in the shape of Jewel]

Tom: I bet you'll never look at Jewel the same way again!
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[after he paints lesbians having sex on the hood of his parents car]



Dad, don't be embarrassed in front of the neighbors, it's just your
slutmobile... 

You don't like your Slutmobile?!

But Mom, I thought you liked lesbians...and...sluts!
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[at his parents house, now filled with farm animals]



OOH THE GOOSE IS HUNGRY!...THE GOOSE IS HUNGRY!... 

You're getting mad at me for Animal Crackers? There's crap all over
the floor!!
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[at a kids soccer game]


Woman: Idiots shouldn't be on the field!
Tom: I don't think you should be calling the ref an idiot... 

Tom: You're all just a bunch of English Hooligans!...
It's people like you who destroy Wembly Stadium each year!

Spectator: You're going to have to leave, sir.
Tom: I see you're wearing a Yuk Yuk shirt.. do you think I am funny?

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[at a department store]


He's probally just over in the girls sweat pants section... 

I'm looking for my brother...he's only four years old... I think he's in
the girls sweatpants department...no that's ok, I'll just page him...
[on the intercom]: Joe? 


[writhing on the floor]I can do the snake...I can do the snake...... 

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[pointing to the floorbaords of a Cuban ship]

Tom: So these are all monkey skeletons? Yeah?...

Cuban Sailor: Correct.
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[Tom gets a gay porn star to give Glen some acting tips]


Firefighter: Where's the fire?
Gay guy: In my pants!

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[at the conveinience store]

I'm just going to buy this condom....... 

It must be pretty weird for you holding those condoms considering
that we both know where they are going to end up... 

Abstinence? What is that? Do you wear it? Is it like a Jockey strap?

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[Singing and shouting using a bullhorn]


You can't see me 'cause I'm wearing camouflage... 

Plastic bag, plastic bag, i got a plastic bag, plastic bag... 

It's a very important date! It's a very important date!

[slurp]...This drink is GOOD...Mmmmmm...

I SEE THAT YOU SHOPPED AT THE GAP TODAY!
I CAN TELL BECAUSE YOUR BAG SAYS "GAP" ON IT!