Chest Hair Sandwich

Tom:"What better place to shave a chest than a kitchen?
Hagan and Scott are going to shave my chest in the kitchen.
We have to make an omelette with my chest hair because we have to give
it to a girl up on the deck to eat!"
Waiter:"These guys have to wear shirts in the kitchen"
(They come back with shirts)
Tom:"Does eveyone have their shirts on? Ok. I guess we're gonna make
a sandwich with my chest hair. You're not used to this much hair?
Water! We need some water over here!"
Waiter:"That's against public health!"
Tom:"This is much healthier now because we have shirts on.
We'll do the nipple later."
(on deck)
Tom:"Chest hair sandwich?"
Girl:"Yuck! Gross! Eww! Get out of my face!"
Tom:"It's just a chest hair sandwich!"
(A different girl nibbles on one and makes a face)
Mean Guy: "I said get the fuck out of here."
Tom:"How come? It's just a chest hair sandwich."
MG:"I'm serious man, I'm not taking this shit. It's fucking gross."
Tom:"It's for fun. We shaved my chest. And made sandwiches for
everybody. You sure dont want just one? I'm sure you'll like it.
Everybody on the boat HAS to have one."
MG:"I'm gonna pop somebody man!"
Tom:"Forget about the sandwich thing man. It's over.
But I was thinking how funny it would be if you threw me overbaord,
and a shark came and fuckin ate me!"

Nurse Theresa

Tom:"Now we're going to look at a video. 
Do you see a video in there?"(points at camera)
Theresa:"No, I don't see it."
Tom:"Get real close see?"
(she sticks her face in camera)
Theresa:"No, I can't see it"
(This continues ad nauseum.)

Serial Carpens

Tom:"We're still on the cruise here, I'm with Kathy. This is not
the best place to get to know you. I'll show you a really good one."
(he takes her below deck)
Kathy:"So you've been down here before right?"
Tom:"Oh yeah, its my favorite spot...(spots Asian crew member)
Hi! Kathy and I are going to relax! Whats your name?"
Serial:"Carpens, Serial Carpens."
Tom:"Serial Carpens, say hello to Kathy, Kathy say hello 
to Serial Carpens. Serial Carpens, I'd like you to say hello to Kathy.
(this continues ad nauseum)
Tom:"Bye Serial Carpens! See this sign, it's in Russian."
(the sign is on the door to the engineering room)
Kathy: "Do you know what is says?"
Tom:"It says This way for alot of fun."
(it's noisy and hot, and they have to shout)
Tom:"Hey man! We met Serial Carpens! This is a good time! You wanna
play with the chain? Hey touch that guys throat! WERE TOUCHING A 
MANS THROAT IN THE ENGINE ROOM!" (they move into a quiet part of
engine room with lots of buttons and levers)"Touch his throat too."
"Can I push this button? Can I push that one? How about this one?"
(he is pushing all of the buttons)
Crewman:"No, non, no no!"
Tom:"How about this lever?" (pulls it)

Butter Madness

Tom:"I'm hiding in this little room, I have some butter, and we're
gonna make some announcements.(on intercom looking at screen that
shows the guests eating in the dining room) I'm eating some salad
right now!(referring to a specific guy) Somebody pour beer on this
guy's crotch! Everybody pour their drinks on this guy right now.
Get pitchers of water, pour all liquids on this guy." (people comply)
(the guy is completely drenched in beer and water)
Tom:"Now take the tablecloth off of the table, and then spread 
butter on this guy's head!" (dozens join in)
"Somebody pour their drink on this waiter! (waiter runs off) Find 
another one!! Now rub butter on the man's chest!
(Mean guy from chest hair skit gets pissed. He gets up from his table.
He and a friend go looking for Tom. They find him.)
MG: That's assault, dude! I want that guy to go back and apologize 
to every fucking person in that restaurant.
Tom:We're having fun."
MG:"How would you like it if someone did that shit to you man?
Go back there and clean that shit up!"
Tom:"We're on a cruise ship, we're putting butter on people's heads..."
MG:"It's at the DINNER TABLE!"
Tom:"Yeah, but its not like I'm ruining Christmas Dinner here!"
MG#2:"You could've staged this, had a guy stage it, not prey on
some poor innocent person!"
Tom:"It's no fun to stage things!"
MG:"I'm getting the fuck out of this fucking place!"
Tom:(follows him)"You're really mad about the butter?"
MG:"Hey! Are you gonna apologize and admit that you were fucking
wrong? Hey, you wouldnt ever ahve a fucking show, man, without us."
MG#2:"We agreed to be taped, not assaulted!"
Tom:"It wasnt assault, it was butter!"
MG:"Its ASSAULT!"
Tom:"Assault with a condiment? If you walked into a bank and robbed it 
holding a bag of butter do you think that would work? Do armies use it as  
weapons? Did we use butter in Desert Storm?"
(Mean Guys leave, so Tom finds some fun loving butter fans)
Tom:"And if we wan to spread butter on people, We Will!"
All:"YEAH!"
Tom:"And Nobody's Gonna Stop us!"
All:"Yeah!"
Chanting:"BUTTER, BUTTER, BUTTER, BUTTER, BUTTER!
Tom:"I can't believe it's not butter!"
All:"Yeah!"
Tom:"Its better with butter!"
ALL"YEAH!"
Anonymous Guy:"Swing butter!"
(laughter)

Also, He does small skits like dropping an ice sculpture, and screaming "This is crazy!" while a huge storm swept the deck. There are at least 2 more big skits, I'll put them up ASAP!!